at the start

So like any story or life experience one must start at the beginning. Ours starts just after my daughter turned 5. We had put up the Christmas tree that day. I was going through a divorce and I worked the 3rd shift. My soon to be ex was working the 2nd shift, we did this to avoid each other. I was taking the kids to the sitter, I lived in a duplex and she lived on the other half of the house. It worked good as I could put the kids to sleep in there own bed and just open the door upstairs so the sitter could get in if she heard the kids and there father would be home in a hour. As I was getting my kids in there PJ's I ran my hand down my daughter's arm. A sign of affection and love, I felt a weird ridge. I asked her if her arm hurt and she said No. I am puzzled and think great she broke her arm and I was trying to think how she could of as she had not fallen or anything. I went to the sitter and asked her to feel G's arm. She said Oh yeah that feels bad. So I called work, said I'll be late I think my daughter broke her arm. Off to the hospital we go. When we got there I told the ER nurse that I thought her arm was broke even though she kept moving it and saying No mommy it's fine. They took her in immediately. They took 2 x-rays, one from hand to elbow and one from elbow to shoulder. After a short period of time the Dr came in and said we need to take another x-ray. We need to take one of her chest. Now I'm worried. I asked why and he said just to rule something out. I said fine. It wasn't 5 minutes later when he came back in and said can I talk to you alone. Gabbie said NO, I want to know too. She was always like that. I never hide things from the kids and I never before lied to them. I said she can stay it is her x-ray after all. He put up the x-ray on the board and turned on the light. I was stunned and fear washed over me. Gabbie goes what's that? Referring to the large black mass in her chest the size of a softball. The Dr goes it's a tumor. My world feel apart. I just started to cry. Gabbie goes it's OK mom... but it wasn't. I feared cancer. I asked is it cancer? The Dr goes I don't know. It has to be biopsied. HUH? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was like OK now? NO we can't do it here we need to send you to a special hospital that deals with this stuff. I still didn't know what this stuff was. All I knew was there was this huge fucking tumor in my daughter's chest right next to her heart. I wanted it out now. He called in her ped. Dr. He came even though it was at that point after 11pm. I will always remember he came. He let me cry. He cried. Gabbie even then had a way. She got into your heart. He called A hospital in Syracuse. I was told to take her there in 2 days. 2 days is a long time when you know there is something in your kids chest against her heart. I packed my clothes, what I thought would be enough. I took her. Mind you all thoughts of Christmas were gone. 3 weeks before Christmas and I was checking into a hospital. I prayed it wasn't cancer. The things those Dr's did to her I'll never forget. She went into surgery so brave. The Dr came out after a few hours. She said I was able to remove 99% of the tumor. It was a neurofibroma. I said is that cancer? She said no. It's Neurofibromatosis 1. I was struck dumb. What is that? She explained quickly that they were benign tumors. It was genetic. My daughter came out of surgery different. She was changed. She punched a nurse in the face and called her father an asshole. She also called the Dr one. She didn't recover like they said she would. She stopped fighting them when they came to draw blood. She had a tube in her chest. She wouldn't eat. She lost weight. I took to sleeping in a cot pushed up to her bed. Nobody could get to her without me knowing. I wake up and she is staring at me. I smiled and said how do you feel. I will never forget what she said to me. She said I am going to have to go someday and you will be sad. I got so scared at that point. I asked her what she was talking about. She goes the man said so. What man? I asked. She goes the man in white. I thought OK some idiot Dr came in while I was asleep but how the hell did he get to her without me knowing? I stormed out to the nurses desk. I said what Dr came in her room and scared her? The nurse said nobody has been in there. I came in the door about 3 hours ago and you both were sleeping so I closed the door so you guys could sleep. Nobody went in. I was scared as hell then. I went back and G said I am sorry mommy. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want to go but I will have to someday. I just nodded. Days went by, then a week, then another and I ran out of clothes. I called my Dad. Like I always did. I said just bring me a few pair of your sweats and a few t-shirts. This is something I always did when I was young. I'd wear my Dad's shirt if I was afraid. He knew it and never said a word. He brought me what I asked for and he bought me undies! I told Dad what Gabbie said. I was crying so hard and Dad just held me. I knew it he said. My Dad and G had this huge bond. A special bond. More then grandpa and granddaughter bond. She always wanted my Dad. She had to visit him everyday. That day my Dad said chin up and lets fight. First we get her home. She needs to go home. Christmas is in a week. So that what I worked at. 2 days before Christmas I told them I am going home and taking her with me. We will come back after Christmas if we have to but I'm taking her home. And I did. We sang all the way home. Christmas songs of course. We had a big Christmas deal. And yes we had to go back after about a week. That is when her arm started to hurt. That is another nightmare visit at hospital #1. It is amazing that I went from scared about the tumor in her chest, to sigh they got almost all of it out, to thrown in a pit of shit. I stand for my daughter. I stand for all kids with tumors. I'll stand with you if you need me too. I made a promise, I intend to keep it. I will never stop fighting. No matter what. I will start on the next steps another time. Opening my heart and sharing what is in it is hard. It hurts, but it needs to come out. The story needs to be told. The lies that Dr.'s say need to be told. I won't mention them by name but I will state the hospitals. I need people to understand that the way I am is because of what I've had to do, what I've seen Dr.'s do. I hope by telling this that others will listen and learn. Oh and for the record I never made it to work that night or for a month after. My boss was great about it and they took a collection for G. I worked at a truck stop and I'm here to say that not all truckers are assholes. Those men are good. They bought her toys and candy. They gave me hugs and slipped extra money to me. They would hide it under there plate or there napkin as I wouldn't take anything they offered me. I will forever be grateful to them for there help.