Round 5

This is my way of trying to let go of the hurt that is in my heart. I know my heart is shattered, broken and I don't think anyone can fix it. As I have said in other posts my Dad and my G had a bond, yes had this bond. 1-6-2008 my Dad passed away with me holding his hand. He had stated that morning that he wanted me to leave the room as he wanted to spare me that hurt. I just said " you never left me and I will not leave you". I've done some things that were hard for me to deal with and I have always been amazed that I survived. I must tell you that I woke at 4 am and went back to the hospital as it was like I was being pulled there. I snuck into the ICU to be with my father. We got to talk for a few hours before pain took hold of my father and I prayed for him to pass so he didn't suffer. During those hours, he first tried to talk me into leaving and he learned that nothing was going to move me, he asked for one thing from me. I agreed. He asked me to let him go and no pain. We called in the nurse and Dr and my Dad asked the Dr to put him on hospice and to listen to his daughter and do everything I said to do. Dr nodded, papers were signed, and hospice began. As first order of control over my dad, I ordered xanax to calm him and a small dose of morphine and zofran. This impressed the Dr and we stepped into the hall as my Dad dozed, peacefully. I asked the Dr if he could be put on the donor list for a new heart, the answer was no as he had diabetes. I argued that that was controllable but the " system" didn't care. Shot down, I returned to my Dad's side to do whatever I had to do for as long as it took. I also began trying to get my mother back to the hospital. My Dad wanted to say good bye to her. That was one request he asked me to see too. It took 3 hours for me to get her back. My Dad suffered pain worse then anything I seen and I kept saying please Daddy let me do this. He couldn't talk but shook his head NO, once in awhile I heard him moan "lizabeth". What he called my mom. I could no longer bear to see him in such pain, I was about to disobey my Dad and pleaded for forgiveness. I called in the nurse and nodded at that moment my mom came in and I just yelled at her, " go to Daddy so he can see you" and to my Daddy I said Mom is here look. He looked at my mom and then he turned to me, and with tears in my eye's I nodded to the nurse who then did the most humane thing, he gave my dad a lethal dose of morphine, if the nurse hadn't I was going to and the nurse knew this as he left the morphine bottle out on the table and looked at me, patted my back and whispered " GOD bless you". So with my Daddy looking at me he took his last breath and at that moment I howled with pain as my Daddy died. My heart broke. I did dumb things after that. I took off the pads that were supposed show heart beats but no longer did, I shut off machines, I pulled up the sheet and covered him and tried to give his body respect. The Dr gave my mom 15 min. to talk to him and my sister called my other siblings so they could say goodbye, this to me was hard as I knew he was gone, but I gave them this so they didn't feel guilt. I could no longer take it after 15 min's and had them declare him gone. I made a couple of family calls. I kept holding his hand and kept taking out needles and pads. After they all left I went to the nurse who helped me and he took me and just let me scream and cry and he told me that he was so grateful to me, and that I was so strong to do that for my Dad. I left to make the 2 hour trip home... to shatter my kids world. Now, you all most know how close to my Dad I was. I felt my world just ended, but before my Dad got bad, before he could no longer talk he told me one thing that I still hear. " I got to go so G won't be scared, forgive me for leaving you but know that I love you so very much" I said " I know, Please take good care of her when she gets there. I love you more then you ever knew Daddy, Thank you for always loving me so much." As I write this I feel how heavy my heart is in my chest and there is a lump in my throat. I don't think there will ever be another person besides my child that will make me feel like that. I was wrong again. If you ever get the chance to meet me, make it count. Because if you get behind this huge wall I put up, you have a loyal friend that will stand up for you no matter what. After my Dad passed, I gained weight, even though I didn't eat, I got sick and then sicker. My friends were telling me to go to the Dr.'s, I refused. I got sicker still and finally one night I knew I was going to die. I thought first of my kids and didn't want them to find me, so I went to the hospital, where I refused pain medication, was told I was very sick that my appendix ruptured weeks earlier. I honestly didn't care if I died. I prayed for it. They took me into surgery and I remember looking into the eyes of the guy putting me to sleep and said Thank you and he looked at me odd. Now anyone who's had surgery and they knock you out it's all black time as I like to call it. My world didn't go black, it got real bright. I was in this wonderful light, no pain and I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I then seen my Dad, I wanted to run to him but I couldn't, as I had a choice to make.. before I could go to him I had to choose. I could stay or I could go back. I know I said why would I go back to pain and heart break? But as I looked at my Dad I seen he was well, but sad, he didn't want me there. So with my head bowed I came back. I came back to so much pain that I swore I choose wrong, I was heart broken again as it was like losing my Dad again. It took me a long time to recover. I also knew I was trying to die. I was tired of the pain of this world, of watching kids die, of watching my own daughter die slowly. I came back first because I obeyed my Dad, I stay because of the love I have for my kids. I will be there to make sure all goes well for them. There is no end to a parents love. I have recovered from that appendix rupture, but like I said I was real sick, I had to have 2 more surgeries before I started to feel OK again. I lost all the weight which was just poison in my body. Yep 15 pounds of puss and poison. I am amazed I lived. I have great friends. In Sept. I was feeling like my old self again. I got a message that tore me apart again. My friend in England passed away in his sleep. My heart got shredded again. I then started to try to push people out of my life, some refused to budge. I pushed them away because it hurt so much to lose them. Like I said I have great friends. One who is like a sister to me, She realized what I was trying to do, forced me to go out with her where she got me ripped. I mean so drunk that I hugged her potty for a long time the next morning. I love her for that. She made me come back to life again. She gave me the ass kicking I needed. I've made so hard choices and weeded my life of the weeds and only allow positive people in my life. It's because of them that I survived learning that another drug failed my daughter and we have no options left but pain control. I've also learned I am lonely. I am looking for that one special person who I need. I've been looking for almost 2 years now... I think that there in my life but I haven't realized it yet, I hope to know some day soon but I will wait.